Listening More
Friday, October 9, 2009
 Wouldn't it be great if you could just look at your kids and read them as if they were a book? What if there were no secrets? What if there was an air of constant respect? What if our kids never did anything to freak us out? That would be great—right?
Unfortunately, this is rarely the case. Parenting certainly has amazing aspects to it, full of rewards, joys, and laughter. However, it's not an easy thing. No one ever created the perfect manual telling us the secret. Kids ARE their own people, they have their own minds, and they certainly, at some point, make their own choices. The only real control we have over them is…well…none. We can TRY to control our kids, but they may end up resenting us in the long haul. I know plenty of people, whose parents attempted the control thing, and in the end, the kids only rebelled, and a wedge was created.
I am no parenting expert. I believe there are rules that need to be followed. There are boundaries that need to be set for our kids' safety. And there are hard conversations that need to be had throughout parenting. However, the greatest way to do this is to love our kids. Not only love them, but LISTEN to them. It's extremely important to let them know that we care about how they feel. And we truly should.
Think back on the times where you felt you were not heard. Do you remember when you had a feeling that meant a great deal to you, but not to someone else? I think often times as parents, we can get too much on the "boss" track, that it's easy to forget to "listen" to our kids. If this is consistently the case, then our kids will want to turn to someone who DOES "listen" to them, whether online or in person. And they may not know of the danger they put themselves in.
I challenge you today to pay attention to what is going on with your kids. Have dinner with them and their friends. Really take some time and HEAR what they are saying since we can't read them like we would sometimes like. If you have concerns about some of the activities they're participating in or you think they may be participating in, we're here to help. McGruff Safeguard wants to help you to initiate conversation. Talk to you kids. Create some space and get to know where they are today.Labels: parenting style, teenagers
posted by Nick Carter at 12:41 PM Link to this Article
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True Stories: "They started saying things to her that were sexual and degrading..."
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
One of the themes that comes up so often in the discussion of online parenting, protection, and especially monitoring is the unpalatable idea of "snooping" or spying. McGruff SafeGuard is a tool that gives parents insights into their child's activity online, but not for the mere sake of "gotcha's" or a covert sting operation. As one parent writes, "I do not feel like I am invading her privacy because there are so many issues that come up and need to be discussed in today's society."
This parent, like many parents, was not questioning her daughter's integrity. She did not want to invade privacy. This parent wanted to be a good parent--protecting her child from the dangers which might go otherwise unnoticed in the secret realms of social media.
"The service is great! I had a couple incidences with my 14 year old daughter. There were boys at her school that she was friends with and they started to say things to her that were sexual and degrading. I was glad I had the opportunity to view the comments to let my daughter know that what they were saying was disrespectful and that "no boy or man" has a right to talk to any girl the way they did."
When your young teen daughter begins to get unwanted attention from men, there are lots of emotions that can come up. Many times, the child does not feel empowered to tell an authority, as the evil of "tattling" is so ingrained in our early childhood minds. Or, more often, the embarrassment of it all prevents an emotionally fragile teen from talking.
With McGruff SafeGuard, however, this parent was able to see the perverted advances of her classmates and reaffirm her daughter's self-esteem. "No boy or man has a right to talk to any girl the way they did," the mother explained. The mother continued:
"I do not feel like I am invading her privacy because there are so many issues that come up and need to be discussed in today's society. I did, however, tell my daughter that I have the service and that it alerts me to sexual content via email. The service is the most important thing a parent should have if they allow their child freedom on the internet."
This mother chose to let her daughter know she was watching--that if anything came up that might endanger the young girl, that Mommy would be there to protect her. After all, isn't that what our children should know about us as parents? Not that we will be there to bust them, but that we are there to protect them.Labels: children safety, cyberbulling, internet safety, McGruff Safeguard, monitoring, online parenting, teenagers, True Stories
posted by Nick Carter at 6:12 AM Link to this Article
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The Advantages of Just KNOWING
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I was having breakfast yesterday with someone I've just recently met. She is in her late 40's and has two grown (almost grown) children. One is 22 and the other is 17. We were in a pretty deep discussion about parenting teens and what life is like for many teens out there.
As we were talking about her teenage son and some of the issues they've had to deal with, she said it's been pretty tough. To give a bit of background on the family, they have a pretty solid faith-based family unit. Her daughter went to private school and seemed to have dealt with her teenage years pretty well. She was proud to report that her daughter had always had a mind of her own, didn't always "go along with" the culture that was put in her face, and made good decisions for the most part.
Her son, on the other hand, goes to public school. She said it's been harder. She is concerned with the influence that our culture has on her son, even though they do everything in their power to create a harmonious place at home. She says that many of his friends aren't the best influence, however, she prays for these kids, and cares about them on a much deeper level.
One thing sticks out to her though. Often, when the kids come to hang out at her house, they comment on how peaceful it is there. It strikes her because this is her normal…their family normal. Many children and teens don't get the luxury of a peaceful home. Many deal with all kinds of abuse on a daily basis.
The one thing I took away and wanted to share with you, is that even though we can't always control what our kids see outside, we can provide a safe haven at home, and other children can see that. My friend said she was thankful that she could love on those kids and give them a sense of peace there, even if that’s all they get.
One of the cool things about McGruff Safeguard is it allows an inside look to what's actually going on in the lives of our kids' friends too. Not only can this be a tool for our children and teens and our understanding of them, it can also help us to give back to others on a much deeper level.Labels: home life, teenagers
posted by Nick Carter at 12:04 PM Link to this Article
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When Depression Cuts Deep Part II
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
The other day, we introduced a dangerous practice labeled "cutting." Some of you may have heard about this trend, other may not have. Perhaps you’ve experienced it first hand, or may have had friends who have experienced it. Nevertheless, cutting is something that occurs daily for some teens and adults and can be a very dangerous practice.
Most teens who cut are dealing with some kind of pain or depression, according to kidshealth.org. Depression is a very real thing for teenagers, and has been linked to such behaviors. If you think about it, teenage years is the time where they are attempting to gain some kind of identity, dealing with multiple social situations, and let’s be honest…kids can be downright mean and nasty to each other. It can be hard, it can be challenging, and it can be depressing.
According to kidshealth.org, kids can attempt to mask pain with cutting, and although it may provide some kind of temporary relief from pain, the relief doesn't last. This is why it can become an addictive behavior. Parents, I KNOW that in our minds, we can sometimes blow it off as "stupidity" or "ridiculousness." I had the kind of parents that if they couldn't personally relate to what was happening in my life or any of my behaviors as a teen, they blew it off. My mother often said, "I would never do such a thing, so why should you?" I encourage all parents to not respond this way. Reality is in the perception of the person who has to deal with the emotions. If you blow them off or shrug off what they are going through as something that is irrelevant or unimportant, it tends to drive withdrawal rather than openness. I am only speaking from experience. Some teens may cut because they are screaming for attention.
David Rosen, MD, MPH, professor of pediatrics at the University of Michigan and director of the Section for Teenage and Young Adult Health at the University of Michigan Health Systems in Ann Arbor offered the following tips on what to watch for (via WebMD).
- Small, linear cuts. "The most typical cuts are very linear, straight line, often parallel like railroad ties carved into forearm, the upper arm, sometimes the legs," Rosen tells WebMD. "Some people cut words into themselves. If they're having body image issues, they may cut the word 'fat.' If they're having trouble at school, it may be 'stupid,' 'loser,' 'failure,' or a big 'L.' Those are the things we see pretty regularly."
- Unexplained cuts and scratches, particularly when they appear regularly. "I wish I had a nickel for every time someone says, 'The cat did it,'" says Rosen.
- Mood changes like depression or anxiety, out-of-control behavior, changes in relationships, communication, and school performance. Kids who are unable to manage day-to-day stresses of life are vulnerable to cutting, says Rosen.
If you happen to see any of these signs, I encourage you to watch closely and reach out to your teen. Perhaps using McGruff Safeguard has pointed you toward the behavior. Keep in mind, it may take some professional help, but this practice can be overcome. Spend some time with your teens, let them feel loved. At the end of the day, McGruff Safeguard is here to help you protect your children and teens.Labels: cutting, depression, teenagers, teens health
posted by Nick Carter at 2:13 PM Link to this Article
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What's the big deal? They're just games.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
My in-laws computer has been restored from virus attacks four times in the last three years. Sometimes, data was saved. Sometimes not. What could be causing such a vicious attack? Did someone open an unsafe email? Is there a hacker maliciously attacking their home network? Nope, just games.
That's right, games. Just google for "free games" and you will find 219 Million matches for your search. Each of them, no doubt, provide either a free download of an installable program, or free online games using interactive websites. Given free reign of the internet, the youngest boys in the house had already figured out how to click "I agree" and "next" buttons until the game appeared on the desktop.
What's more disturbing than the viral attacks this software opened their computer up to, however, was the way in which these games could indeed be provided for free. Someone had to develop them, program them, publish them, etc. How do they do it for free? It's simple: sell advertising.
Banner Ads are the most common form of online advertising. But unfortunately, the content is difficult to censor. See, the advertisers who utilize these games as the vehicle for placing their message in front of viewers aren't targeting six-year-old boys. Their target demographic is teenagers. I've played games with the kids before and seen ads for new CD's with objectionable titles, paid memberships to online social networks, t-shirts with raunchy humor, and on rare occasions, even soft-core pornography.
"What are you doing Dilan," mom yells from the other room. "Just playing games, Mommy," he replies. Satisfied with the innocent-sounding idea of just playing games on the computer, mom never gives it a second thought. But, unless monitored closely, your kids could be exposed to serious hidden messages and agendas when all they really bargained for was to shoot space ships or solve puzzles.
Here are some tips for avoiding dangerous games:
- Restrict install-permissions for your child's user account on your computer.
- Provide your child with a list of "bookmarked" sites that you have pre-selected for them to play on. Suggestions include: Hasbro.com or Nesquik.com
- Monitor your child's activity with McGruff SafeGuard.
Labels: Banner Ads, Games, internet safety, McGruff Safeguard, monitoring, social media, teenagers
posted by Nick Carter at 8:12 AM Link to this Article
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Protecting your Child's Privacy Online
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
When my brother and I were younger, our parents belonged to a small social club in the tiny one-horse town where we grew up. Every so often, all the families would meet for dinner at the Lions Club lodge in town. At one such meeting, my brother, all of 3 years old at the time, was being particularly restless in his seat. One parent teased, "What's the matter, you got ants in your pants?" A few people chuckled and conversation went on... until a few moments later when mom turned around to find my brother, pants to his ankles, examining carefully to find these ants that must be there somewhere.
That story was funny from the moment it happened (and as you can imagine, my brother would prefer it be forgotten today). At three years old, children have little regard for their privacy and even less grasp on the far-reaching impact this little event would have for the decades to come. It seems nobody is capable of forgetting that story even today.
What we need to remember in the Internet age is that teens aren't altogether more astute as to the far-reaching impact of their actions. They may not even have an altogether higher sense of privacy than my brother did at three. But, what should be most concerning is this: the social network of those who may be on-lookers is infinitely larger than the quaint pot-luck dinner in our tiny town lodge.
My brother would never have dreamed that at the age of 31, old ladies around town would still remember that cute little boy who took a joke too literally. Does your teenager know how far-reaching the Internet community can be, and how permanent a mark can be made? Emotions posted on a Facebook wall, a careless remark in a Twitter feed, or even a indiscreet photo displayed on a MySpace page... all of these have the instant capability reach millions of viewers and to follow a teen into adulthood with consequences no child could foresee.
Mom laughed out loud (or LOL, if you will) as she redressed her totally oblivious son. No harm done and a great story to tell at family dinners. Are you there, at the social gatherings of today's Internet community? McGruff SafeGuard allows parents to "be there" to watch, see what their kids are up to, and keep them from dangers that they may never even know are ahead.Labels: children safety, Facebook, internet safety, McGruff Safeguard, monitoring, online parenting, photos, privacy, sexting, teenagers
posted by Nick Carter at 5:49 AM Link to this Article
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I'm the parent. I make the rules.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
When I was a teenager, I save up money to buy my first car. I worked a job before I was sixteen, riding my bike back and forth, and I even built my own herd of cattle (yes, I'm a farm-boy) which brought in some money. Now, couldn't I have just borrowed mom and dad's, or asked them to buy it for me? Sure. But I had a plan.
If I own the car, so I thought, they can't tell me what to do or not do with it. In my imagination, the ownership of the car meant they couldn't take my keys as punishment, restrict my driving privileges, or prevent me from certain activities on the weekend just by denying access to borrow a vehicle. Ah, yes, I was going to free myself from their rule.
I still remember when dad, a stern disciplinarian, brought that rule crashing down on me. I was told not to do something. I directly disobeyed. In our house, that was a cardinal offense. Since the deed had to do with the car, he promptly took the keys. "You can't do that," I exclaimed.
"I'm the parent. I make the rules." He didn't have to think too hard for that reply.
The fact is, at sixteen, the most loving thing Dad could do for me was not to let me do everything I wanted. Now, it took me about a decade to reach that understanding, but it happened nonetheless. I was a kid. I was irresponsible. I made bad decisions. So, my parents helped me learn what good decisions were, what responsibility was, and how to become an adult.
Gillian Shaw recently reported Online Spying is an Aid to Parents. A provocative title, no doubt, but her point was loud and clear. Children aren't ready to fly without a net on the internet. They have far too much propensity to harm themselves or others, sometimes irreparably. And, just as having my own car didn't free me from my parent's supervision, a child's own laptop, cell phone, email address, or social media identity should not be their ticket to total independence.
In her article, Shaw references internet monitoring tools she calls "cyber-sleuthing software for parents." In other words, knowing what your kid is up to. Is your teen permitted to drive wherever they want? Can they take a road-trip to Cancun on a whim? Doubtful. So, what are they doing online? McGruff SafeGuard can help you know, so you can be the parent and make the rules.Labels: McGruff Safeguard, monitoring, online parenting, teenagers
posted by Nick Carter at 9:41 AM Link to this Article
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True Stories: "Before it's too late..."
Friday, August 21, 2009
There is a lot of fear involved in parenting. As we talk about protecting children, it's easy to focus on all the dangers that exist. Predators, drugs, violence, profanity, immorality, teen pregnancy, depression, self-destruction... I could go on, but to be truthful, I really don't want to.
Parenting isn't always about rule-setting and boundary-building. Although you wouldn't guess it from the media and the best-seller lists, there is actually more to be enjoyed and cherished as a parent than to be feared. Today's "true story" exemplifies that fact to a tee. After using McGruff SafeGuard as a parental monitoring tool, one parent wrote:
"Some of the examples you gave of how the program helped parents were pretty extreme, which is wonderful. On a much simpler note, I love being able to read about what is going on with the day to day activities of my 13 year old."
That's a breath of fresh air. As a parent, do you ever just want to get to know your child better. At thirteen, this little girl is just barely starting to become an adult. Now, she's not there yet, but a personality is developing that will be the foundation for an adult relationship for decades to come. This mother enjoyed one simple thing: she was getting to know her daughter. She was getting involved. She could pay attention. She could care about her life. She could know her.
The parent continued:
"The best thing about the program is simply being able to direct your conversations with your child about what is going on and having an intelligent two sided conversation about topics of concern. All of this is important to do before it is too late." Some day, this thirteen-year-old girl is going to be a sixteen-year-old driver, and then an eighteen-year-old college freshman, and so on. Meaningful conversations don't have to wait until they're an adult. If you feel like distance is forming... like "mom just doesn't get me" is on the back of your child's mind... maybe McGruff SafeGuard could help in one simple way: get know your child... before it's too late.Labels: McGruff Safeguard, monitoring, online parenting, teenagers, True Stories
posted by Nick Carter at 7:19 AM Link to this Article
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The Targeted Teenagers
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
I was reading this article from 2007 from BoingBoing.net by Cory Doctorow. He was discussing how most of the predators online weren’t necessarily targeting young children. They were targeting teenagers. Here is an excerpt from the article:
“… the research in the cases that we’ve gleaned from actual law enforcement
files, for example, suggests a different reality for these crimes. So first fact
is that the predominant online sex crime victims are not young children. They
are teenagers. There’s almost no victims in the sample that we collected from –
a representative sample of law enforcement cases that involved the child under
the age of 13.
…So these are not mostly violence sex crimes, but they are criminal
seductions that take advantage of teenage, common teenage vulnerabilities. The
offenders lure teens after weeks of conversations with them, they play on teens’
desires for romance, adventure, sexual information, understanding, and they lure
them to encounters that the teams know are sexual in nature with people who are
considerably older than themselves.” Read entire article
This coincides with MSNBC’s 2009 online article by Todd Richmond (Associated Press). Here is an excerpt:
“The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children's cyber tip line
took 85,301 reports of child porn and 8,787 reports of online enticement last
year. Investigations of Internet crimes against children resulted in 3,000
arrests nationwide in 2008, according to the U.S. Department of Justice.
The statistics show how an entire generation has moved online, seeking
reinforcement from others with the same abhorrent sexual tastes, said Michelle
Collins, executive director of the missing children center's exploited child
division.
Most disturbing is the correlation between child porn and
enticement, said Wisconsin forensic computer analyst Dave Matthews. Viewing
leads to doing, he said. "They're grooming themselves," Matthews said.”
These numbers are scary. What’s even scarier is the possibility of it being under our nose. It’s hard being a parent and trying to monitor everything our kids are doing, especially online. And if you’re like me, you don’t want to come off as a nosy parent. That’s why McGruff Safeguard is such an important factor in monitoring what our kids are doing and who they are talking to. Join the fight to keep your kids safe online. Visit GoMcGruff.com.Labels: BOING BOING, Internet predators, internet safety, MSNBC, teenagers
posted by Lindsay Manfredi at 12:03 PM Link to this Article
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True Stories: "It has been a great way to open lines of communication..."
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Sixteen. That magical age when a teen somehow becomes entirely free. They blow out all sixteen candles, their brains mature instantly, their hormones stabilize, and they gain such perspective on life.... oh, and they get car keys, to boot.
We all know it doesn't work like that. But, there are challenges that arise for parents when teens suddenly gain the freedom of wheels and the empowerment to believe they are self-sufficient. Attempts to hold on tighter often backfire in rebellion. But on the contrary, unbridled freedom could leave them vulnerable to risks and dangers they cannot even imagine.
McGruff Safeguard is a monitoring tool that has helped countless parents stay in-tune with their kids activities without crossing the fuzzy boundary between concerned and controlling. One such parent tells this story:
"I got this product after my daughter started talking to a new boy at school... The boy wanted my daughter to meet him after school to get to know each other better. They also decided it would be a good idea not to tell their parents. The boy is 18 and my daughter 16. I found out through the service that they were going to meet and where."
Now, before you wonder if this is spying, intrusive, or otherwise objectionable: the story goes on to reveal that the daughter was in fact suffering from clinical depression. While undergoing counseling and with support from her parents, she wasn't improving. They just weren't able to get through to her, to relate, and to let her know they cared.
But McGruff Safeguard afforded the parents a unique insight. They began to discover that their daughter wasn't opening up. She wasn't telling anyone, the counselor included, what was hurting her, how she really felt, and what she was really thinking about life. How has McGruff Safeguard helped?
"It has been a great way to open line of communication between us. She doesn't know I use this , but I don't want her to think I am prying into her private life, but she has grown closer to us as she feels that we really do know how she feels and we can offer help for issues that she needs a little guidance in. I love this service and highly recommend it to anyone with kids." Labels: depression, McGruff Safeguard, monitoring, online parenting, teenagers, True Stories
posted by Nick Carter at 9:42 AM Link to this Article
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A Cry For Help
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
A Cry For Help
Growing up is tough. When I was a teenager in the 90’s, I know how difficult it was then. I can’t imagine the pressures that teenagers have to deal with today. I know there are the classics…love, betrayal of friends, sex, alcohol, drugs. It’s crazy. And I think it’s easy as adults to forget these things. This is not because we want to be out of touch, we’ve just grown up and dealt with life on many levels and sometimes expect our kids to magically get it.
I was talking to an acquaintance from a local college. She is in her 50’s and has a teenage nephew. Her nephew has good parents and comes from a fairly solid background. He hasn’t been through anything traumatic, and he’s pretty smart. However, he’s also pretty cocky, has a temper, and has gotten caught up with some lost kids.
My friend, Mary, was concerned on many levels. She knew he occasionally used drugs, abused alcohol, and was sexually active. Mary started following him pretty closely on Facebook. Facebook has a feature in it that allows you to “share” your thoughts with all your friends. For example, I have poison ivy right now, so my status says, “I think I have poison ivy! Help!” The point is, folks see what you post on your status and can respond.
Mary noticed her nephew posting some disturbing thoughts. He would post things that sent a message, in her eyes, that he was depressed and issues needed to be addressed. Knowing something wasn’t right, Mary took this opportunity to reach out to her teenage nephew. She took him out to lunch, got real with him, and he opened up to her. She was so thankful she did because he had been contemplating suicide, was not in a good state of mind, and accepted the love that his Aunt extended. Mary got that he was hurting and actively listened and helped him sort through what was going on.
It’s not always this easy. Kids cry out for help all the time. Sometimes it is difficult to recognize these cries. Are you ever concerned about what your kids are going through? Do you ever wonder what issues to actually address that could open up an honest discussion? Perhaps if you knew what was truly going on in their head, it would make it easier. McGruff Safeguard was designed as a tool to help us understand what is going on when the “cry” isn’t always obvious. Help us help you protect your loved ones. Labels: alone, depression, help, McGruff Safeguard, teenagers
posted by Lindsay Manfredi at 12:25 PM Link to this Article
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